May 2012
1 post
Browntown. Population: You
When was the last time you soiled yourself? Personally, it was a couple weeks ago. There’s nothing quite as upsetting as being a 21 year old man who shit his pants. Its confirmation that you’re still not ready for the world (or at the very least, you’re not ready for questionable food from Chinatown). Its such an oppressive experience. I’ve got a windows phone and there are...
March 2012
2 posts
Adult Education
Nostalgia is a terrible thing. Are old candies better than new ones? When I think of old candies I think of caramels and caramels have a somewhat sinister connection to pedophiles. Ever see a Werther’s originals? Old men stick out their hands and offer young boys caramels they’ve pulled out of their pockets. There have been multiple occasions when I was young where I thought an old man was trying...
January 2012
1 post
“Aesthetics are a moral imperative.”
– J.S. Steinman
November 2011
1 post
October 2011
1 post
September 2011
4 posts
Tank!
Do you ever wonder what the future will be like? Not your future. The future of everyone else. I want to see the flying car. Did I ever say I like cars? Its odd. I don’t even drive. I was out of money today. All I had was a bus pass. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken 4 crowded buses in ball-busting heat on an empty stomach for a collective 5 hours, but it is everything all the...
“Cows aren’t like tomatoes. You can’t stack them one on top of the...”
– Me talking to forty people. I am a whiz at writing speeches. Can’t you tell?
Government. Illuminati. Aliens. Wham!
I’m listening to old AFI songs and watching Conspiracy Theory with Jesse “The Body” Ventura. I know he doesn’t go by “The Body” anymore, but I’ll always remember him as a wrestler and not a governor. If he can become a governor, who’s next? Hulk Hogan? Stone Cold Steve Austin? Wait, I got it: The Undertaker for president. Anyway, this show has given...
August 2011
5 posts
Conversate!
I wish I could give a Hitler-in-Downfall-esqe tirade about everything I find absolutely deplorable. The list keeps growing. Most recently the list has included bandwagon jumpers who don’t acknowledge the popularity of the bandwagon they’re gladly hitching a ride on. To those people I say “You’re awful.”. Guy who drove his Hummer like a dick and yelled at that woman in SF the other day; man who...
“I poisoned a mouse in Oakland, just to watch him die.”
Faster Than The Speed of Night
Who doesn’t love cheese? Not the food. I mean things we call cheesy. They’re great. Evidence: the song Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. I don’t need to tell you how amazing that song is. I was bored so I made a “being amazing” mix cd that begins and ends with Total Eclipse of the Heart. Cheesy songs are a guilty pleasure of mine. There’s nothing by...
“Black people are annoyingly real.”
– Native American philosopher and racist, Dances with Daleks
July 2011
4 posts
Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
I’ve caught the flu and its July. The weather has been playing tricks on me. I can’t feel my legs which is actually a good thing because my laptop gets unbelievably hot against my thighs (damn you AMD!). I was taken to Home Depot with my parents today to pick out a new paint. I could pick out any color I wanted as long as it was white. I felt like Patrick Bateman in the business card...
“The more we talk about Harry Potter, the more the terrorists are going to win.”
– Raymond
June 2011
3 posts
“You’re killin me, Smalls!”
– The Sandlot
Is it Lupus?!
If I were a hammer, I think my life would be so much easier. Think about it. If you’re a hammer, there are no choices to be made. You know exactly what you’re going to do with your life. You’re going to hammer things. There was never a chance that you were going to be a doctor or an artist or a lawyer. You were going to be a hammer. The most interesting thing that could ever...
Television Prevails!
I’m tired of television dragging me along for the ride. Programs just seems to go in whatever direction it feels like. I miss television when television was predictable and the episodes stood by themselves as little vignettes to be opened and closed and put aside for never. Now? What do you get? You can’t watch an episode and know what’s happening. You have to watch every episode...
May 2011
2 posts
April 2011
4 posts
Engage!
This is a class M post so there should be plenty of Roddenberries. Did I ever say I love Star Trek? I am a self-professed trekkie. I prefer trekkie to trekker. I know trekkie is sort of derogatory but that time has passed so I think we should put that behind us and adopt trekkie like the gays adopted the word queer. There’s so much to love about Star Trek. What really made it amazing though...
March 2011
3 posts
Seinfeld is Dead
The show, not the person. I realize now how little I can relate to these people’s problems. Technology has come so far in just these fifteen years, I don’t think any of the annoyances they suffer could ever happen these days. Elaine would not have to resort to a shitty cell phone call at the end of the series and therefore, would not have to sacrifice the her prison call (the king of...
“You have died of dysentery.”
– Oregon Trail
Gina, Sharonda, and Demitrius
I used to write such fun stories. They weren’t very good, but I liked writing them. I never finished that story I adopted where the main character got into a car accident and ended up the hospital with his skin made of porcelain… or was it alabaster? I can’t remember anymore. Having alabaster body parts sounds more appealing from a durability standpoint, but porcelain will leave...
February 2011
1 post
A Rose by Any Other Name
A rose by another name wouldn’t smell as sweet. Shakespeare knew not of what he spoke. How many famous Jonathans are there these days? By my count, not many. Jonathan used to be one of the most popular names in the western world. Now, all the Jonathans I can think of are either boring or dead. If my name were Michael, I think I’d want to kill myself. There are way too many Michaels out...
January 2011
4 posts
Silently Sharing the Same Fears
I am on the west coast and just across the ocean, Japan is already on tomorrow. This amazes me. I wonder what January 21st feels like to them. Are there still trees? Are there flying cars? Is all food in pill form? Of course not. I don’t know why anyone thinks anything will change. It never seems to. I was out and about walking with this girl recently. We walked for ages. While we were...
“If I’m gonna die, I might as well eat cheese things.”
– Juana Tang
Did I tell you about the immune system?
It’s amazing.
December 2010
3 posts
Memory Brushes the Same Years
Why doesn’t meat remind me of the animal it came from (except chicken and fish, aka the dumber animals)? I go to the grocery store and there are no inklings of a cow or a pig or lamb when I buy meat. Its alarming I don’t think of cow when eating beef. I don’t even see any hanging chickens or ducks or cows at the grocery store like I do at ethnic food stores. It’s...
November 2010
3 posts
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Truly terrible movie experiences grow on you. Saddest Music in the World? One of the worst movies I had ever seen and the strongest proof that there is no intelligent life in Canada. It is now one of my favorite movies of all time; not to watch of course. I’m not a masochist. I’d rather watch the Saddam Hussein hanging set to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up”....
“We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.”
– Andrew Ryan
October 2010
3 posts
“Don’t shit on me or I’ll shit on you or whatever.”
– My mom
Sixteen Tons And What Do You Get?
…Another year older and deeper in debt. Twenty should be much more interesting than it is. Such a nothing age. I still can’t legally drink and I could already smoke at 18 and I could ride a bike without a helmet at 19 (a shallow victory, I know). Old people tell me they wish they were 20 again. I think that’s dumb. All they really mean is “My life is wasted.” Also,...
September 2010
1 post
Coming Around Again
Ambrose Bierce defined patience as a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue. I couldn’t agree more but at least people commend you for it.
Random opinions for no reason:
People are too impatient. Is ten minutes really too long to wait to start a two hour movie? What are you in such a rush for? Time is not so precious. In the real world you have to wait for things. We will spend most...
August 2010
1 post
Golden Balls
There are few constants in my life (any life, really). It’s why I don’t like change. Do you have siblings? I’d kill for siblings or just someone around my age that’s always going to be affiliated with me. I’ve noticed that people leave in shifts, like its a temp job. After a long time, as little as 1 year and at most 4 years, something will happen and in one fell...
May 2010
3 posts
L'Chaim!
Have you ever looked out a window ant the trees being blown by the wind and ended up staring for an hour? Of course you have. Maybe not for an hour but you know what I mean. Animals are out to get me. They have been taking so many liberties with me lately. I dread walking home after it has rained because that is when the squirrels come out to chase me- to forage as well but to chase me more than...
“I’m not blessed or merciful. I’m just me.”
– Death from “Sandman”