When was the last time you soiled yourself? Personally, it was a couple weeks ago. There’s nothing quite as upsetting as being a 21 year old man who shit his pants. Its confirmation that you’re still not ready for the world (or at the very least, you’re not ready for questionable food from Chinatown). Its such an oppressive experience. I’ve got a windows phone and there are no good tumblr apps for it. They’re all a bit on the unpolished side. Every other blog and social network seems to have a wp7 app. Get on that shit, tumblr. It feels futile to complain about tumblr apps on windows phone. Most tumblr users seem like iOs types.
Nostalgia is a terrible thing. Are old candies better than new ones? When I think of old candies I think of caramels and caramels have a somewhat sinister connection to pedophiles. Ever see a Werther’s originals? Old men stick out their hands and offer young boys caramels they’ve pulled out of their pockets. There have been multiple occasions when I was young where I thought an old man was trying to ____ me because he offered free confections (or in one case, a free Arizona Iced Tea). I try not to take free candy. At least caramels are better than salt water taffy. Candy shouldn’t taste saltier than sweet. There’s a flavor ratio. I think the maximum salty to sweet ratio is a 1 salty to 2.3 sweet. Did you know you can’t sell anything that contains pictures of nude children on eBay (it’s not porn. There are naked adults too.)? I wish they had made that more clear before I tried to sell some. I put a lot of work into those listings. I also can’t sell guns on eBay. Also, they won’t allow me to sell certain pornographic videos, yet they will allow me to sell others. Get it straight eBay. Where does one sell porn, guns, and naked pictures of people of varying ages? Please don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t want or even condone some of these things. That’s why I’m selling. I have been labeled many things: liar, cheater, masturbator, liberal. The last labels I need are pornographer or gun owner.
“Aesthetics are a moral imperative.” — J.S. Steinman
Genius! I’ll never lose my remote ever again!
I wish my dog would share some of her worldly insights with me.
I only have the VHS version and I have no VCR. I’m having a Twilight Zone “Time enough at last” moment.
Do you ever wonder what the future will be like? Not your future. The future of everyone else. I want to see the flying car. Did I ever say I like cars? Its odd. I don’t even drive. I was out of money today. All I had was a bus pass. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken 4 crowded buses in ball-busting heat on an empty stomach for a collective 5 hours, but it is everything all the great minds said hell was: hot, uncomfortable, filled with sinners (or just being surrounded by other people), never ending, and laden with sunflower seed shells. Hell is public transportation. I miss all the great anime I used to watch as a kid. I just watched every episode of Tenchi Muyo online. Absolutely amazing and definitely written by a man. A guy who has to fight off the advances of no less than six “women” (alien princesses, 1000 year old demons, fox-eared space cops, your surprisingly youthful alien grandmother, a god/scientist that created the universe, etc.)? Tell me that’s not the dream. If I could find every episode of Dragon Ball Z online, that would be the knees of the bee. See you space cowboy…
“Cows aren’t like tomatoes. You can’t stack them one on top of the other in the back of a truck.” — Me talking to forty people. I am a whiz at writing speeches. Can’t you tell?
I’m listening to old AFI songs and watching Conspiracy Theory with Jesse “The Body” Ventura. I know he doesn’t go by “The Body” anymore, but I’ll always remember him as a wrestler and not a governor. If he can become a governor, who’s next? Hulk Hogan? Stone Cold Steve Austin? Wait, I got it: The Undertaker for president. Anyway, this show has given me an idea. I want to invent a conspiracy theory. I think I have all the right elements. They all seem to have a government cover up with aliens. Somewhere in there, there’s got to be a tie in with the Illuminati. They are always implicated somewhere in there. Finally, all the best conspiracies have some sort of pop culture icon that was covering something up. I’m going to go with Wham!. In the 70s the UK government was researching crop circles surrounding Stonehenge. Yadda yadda yadda they came across aliens. A young George Michael stumbled upon the base which the alien was kept and threatened to tell the papers about the alien if the government wouldn’t give him what he wanted and what he wanted was fame. So, using their Illuminati connections, the government got George and his friend Andrew signed to a record label. Thus explaining how Wham! came to fruition. Since then, George Michael has had a secret love and fascination with aliens. The hit 1984 song “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” is actually an love song to aliens. The line “Left me sleepin’ in my bed. I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead” is a reference to alien abduction. This is good enough for now. It needs polish, but I got all the major parts down.
I wish I could give a Hitler-in-Downfall-esqe tirade about everything I find absolutely deplorable. The list keeps growing. Most recently the list has included bandwagon jumpers who don’t acknowledge the popularity of the bandwagon they’re gladly hitching a ride on. To those people I say “You’re awful.”. Guy who drove his Hummer like a dick and yelled at that woman in SF the other day; man who wore three piece suit with orange crocs in Fremont last week; woman who asked to use my phone on the bus then proceeded to talk on it for 15 minutes: you people are awful. That said, lesbian with child who shared umbrella with me months ago (yeah, I remember) you’re very not awful. Top tip: The easiest way to keep the trolls from contacting you is to cut the communicative lines between you and them.
“I poisoned a mouse in Oakland, just to watch him die.”
Super terrific, isn’t it?
-taken from the internet.
Who doesn’t love cheese? Not the food. I mean things we call cheesy. They’re great. Evidence: the song Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. I don’t need to tell you how amazing that song is. I was bored so I made a “being amazing” mix cd that begins and ends with Total Eclipse of the Heart. Cheesy songs are a guilty pleasure of mine. There’s nothing by Tears for Fears I won’t listen to. Is it terrible to say “Never Gonna Give You Up” is one of my most played songs? I sometimes put my ipod on shuffle hoping for it to Rick Roll me. I wish the Pope would yell at people. Does anyone do a really good Christopher Walken impression other than Christopher Walken? Thank god for Youtube. Where else would I get my daily dose of Christopher Walken? I’ll tell you. Nowhere. I can only see the watch scene from Pulp Fiction so many times before you memorize it completely. “He knew that if the gooks ever saw the watch, they’d confiscate it, take it away. The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright, and he be damned if any slopes gonna put his greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright so he hid the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass…”
“Black people are annoyingly real.” — Native American philosopher and racist, Dances with Daleks